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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23878375">If I'm a Monster</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/vexednperplexed/pseuds/vexednperplexed'>vexednperplexed</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Akatsuki no Yona | Yona of the Dawn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>2 love birds on an adventure, M/M, epic journey</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-03 01:35:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,470</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23878375</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/vexednperplexed/pseuds/vexednperplexed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jae-ha was expecting battles and a lot of camping, not emotional growth and distress and working through trauma. But it was needed. (Of course there were battles and camping too.) It would all be worth it in the end. They would find what they were looking for, and maybe a few things that they weren't. </p>
<p>And if he and Shin-ah were monsters, they'd make sure they were good ones.</p>
<p>Established relationship - warning, probably slow updates.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jae-Ha/Shin-Ah (Akatsuki no Yona)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>If I'm a Monster</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is intended to be a multi-chapter fic. This is an established relationship, and you can consider it in the same universe/timeline as This Ship Sails, so feel free to go read that if you would like. This is set 2 years after the HHB got together, so Shin-ah is 20. </p>
<p>My updates are slow, sorry in advance.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Shin-ah brushed against Jae-ha as they walked through the dense forest in the morning air. The sun was peeking down through the leaves above, but Shin-ah could feel a storm coming on the breeze. This sunlight would be short lived. He’d told Jae-ha as much, so as much as they wanted to reach their destination as quickly as possible, their goal for that morning was to find shelter to bunker down in to wait out the coming typhoon. Jae-ha chuckled quietly at the brief contact from Shin-ah.</p>
<p>“Tired already?” he asked, bemused. “Or is it something else you’re after, Shin-ah?” Jae-ha grinned down at the Blue Dragon, a devilish glint in his eyes. “Was last night not enough?”</p>
<p>“Someone’s following us,” Shin-ah responded seriously, killing Jae-ha’s notion immediately. Despite the proclamation that they had an uninvited tag-along, Shin-ah kept pace. That was probably smart, Jae-ha decided. Unless they knew who it was – which, based on Shin-ah’s serious tone and lack of name stated he assumed they didn’t – it was best to not alert their stalker that they were aware of their presence.</p>
<p>“How long have they been there?” he asked, ensuring there was no falter in his own gait. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Shin-ah chewing at his bottom lip. Jae-ha gave the boy a moment to respond, thinking perhaps he wasn’t quite sure. When no answer came, he had to repeat his question. “Shin-ah,<em> how long</em>?”</p>
<p>“A while… I thought maybe he was just… going the same way, but…”</p>
<p>“Shin-ah, how long?”</p>
<p>“... a few days.”</p>
<p>Jae-ha could feel the vein in his forehead popping. Someone had been following behind them for days and Shin-ah just thought to mention it?</p>
<p>“I thought he was just following the road because he’s so far behind us, but... “</p>
<p>“But he’s been following us even after that last town.”</p>
<p>Shin-ah nodded gently.</p>
<p>Jae-ha was still frustrated, after all they’d left the town yesterday. But, as always, there was no changing what had already come to pass. And Shin-ah didn’t need to be chastised. He was aware that he should have said something sooner, after all that was why he tried to offer an explanation to his delay in relaying the information to begin with. And why he was standing so close to Jae-ha now. Sometimes he was like a little kid, staying close to their mother after being scolded. Although, given their relationship, it was a bit odd for Shin-ah to react like Jae-ha was his parent. … Well, actually… now that he thought about it…. - perhaps it was best not to think about it.</p>
<p>He let their hands brush together so Shin-ah would know he wasn’t angry.</p>
<p>“How far behind is he?”</p>
<p>“... He can see us.”</p>
<p>Jae-ha’s brows knitted themselves together. Shin-ah allowed the man to get so close before he said something? </p>
<p>“I don’t know how he caught up,” Shin-ah continued. “He… he wasn’t so close… yesterday.”</p>
<p>Ah… before they’d stopped because Jae-ha saw a particularly beautiful pond that he thought would make the perfect backdrop… Well, that may have allowed their follower to catch up, but Jae-ha had been right about that backdrop.</p>
<p>“Do you think he’s dangerous?”</p>
<p>“He doesn’t look like he has any weapons.”</p>
<p>“Hmm… We have two options. I can get some distance between us, or we can confront him.” Just because the follower didn’t have any weapons didn’t mean he wasn’t dangerous, so for safety’s sake they should try to get away. But they didn’t know why the man was following them, so confronting him wouldn’t necessarily be unwise.</p>
<p>Shin-ah just nodded.</p>
<p>“So, which is it?” Jae-ha asked in a sing-song tone. Shin-ah stopped walking so suddenly that Jae-ha actually walked a few steps past him before he realized it.</p>
<p>“You… want me to choose?” Shin-ah asked in disbelief.</p>
<p>Jae-ha shrugged. “I haven’t seen this man, but you have. So, do we just put distance between us, or do we ask him what he wants?”</p>
<p>Shin-ah’s jaw hung open slightly, still shocked by the question at all. Likely because Shin-ah normally just went along with what he was told lest he objected on a moral stand-point. Making a decision that was thought out was not Shin-ah’s strong suit. Instincts drove him in most cases, allowing his heart and reflexes to guide him. Jae-ha watched as his fist clenched and loosened and he worried at his lip. Even with the mask hiding it, Jae-ha could tell Shin-ah was blinking and looking anywhere but him, as he often did when he couldn’t make up his mind.</p>
<p>“Tell me what sort of feelings you get from him,” Jae-ha suggested to give Shin-ah an out. “I’ll figure out if we shou-”</p>
<p>“I want to confront him.”</p>
<p>Jae-ha’s eyebrows raised at Shin-ah’s sudden and blunt decision. But his initial shock was replaced with a small smile filled with pride as he watched Shin-ah turn and confidently head towards the man that he could now see off in the distance. Every day, he thought as he took a few long strides to once again be at Shin-ah’s side. Every day he stands a little bit taller, all on his own.</p>
<p>He could see the man in the distance waiver once he realized they’d turned around and were now approaching him. It was hard to make out much about him at this distance, but he could absolutely tell when the man turned on his heel and began to run.</p>
<p>“He’s-!”</p>
<p>“I see him, Shin-ah.”</p>
<p>Jae-ha leapt into the sky, soaring through the air as if he really was flying. Up and over the treetops, and then gracefully and quickly landing right in front of the fleeing man. The shocked gasp was its own reward, allowing Jae-ha to be filled with his own pride over his dramatic entrance.</p>
<p>“Hello!” he greeted as the man fell backwards onto his backside. “I don’t believe we’ve met.” Placing his hand gently against his heart, Jae-ha bowed slightly. “Something tells me you know who I am, so why don’t we begin introductions with you?”</p>
<p>“Y-you!”</p>
<p>“Ah, where are my manners?” He straightened himself, a soft and knowing grin stretching easily across his face. “Of course, you’ll need to get your surprise out of your system. Yes, I did just jump that far and land in front of you. No, running will not do you much good, and yes we were well aware you were here. Now, may I know your name?”</p>
<p>The man stared slack jawed, making absolutely no move to even stand. He was thin and filthy. His small arms showed no evidence of any muscles what-so-ever, which meant he likely didn’t have any sword or unarmed training. Not a fighter, then. And based on his lack of provisions, he didn’t seem to be one who travelled often. Or perhaps, someone who travelled so often he had naught to bring along? Somehow, Jae-ha got the feeling it was more likely the prior than the latter. The man’s uneven, pulled back hair looked almost matted. Was this a beggar? Why would a beggar be following them?</p>
<p>Shin-ah jogged up to them, coming to a stop behind the man who now found himself still on the ground and surrounded. But, while he looked terrified at Jae-ha’s arrival, Shin-ah’s seemed to anger the man.</p>
<p>“And now we’ve all gathered!” Jae-ha announced as he circled the prone man to stand next to Shin-ah. “Where were we? Ah - <em>your name</em>, if you will?”</p>
<p>The man finally scrambled to his feet, glaring with every ounce of menace and hatred that could be in such a frail body directly at Shin-ah.</p>
<p>“You’re the Blue Dragon, aren’t you?!” he spat out. This startled Shin-ah, and even Jae-ha found his brow rising in confusion and curiosity. “Don’t try to deny it! All the villagers say the Blue Dragon hides behind a mask, just like yours!”</p>
<p>“There was no plan to deny it, good fellow,” Jae-ha explained as he stepped slightly in front of Shin-ah. While the man clearly didn’t pose a physical risk to Shin-ah, Jae-ha still found himself protective of the boy.<br/>“What, the demon can’t speak?”</p>
<p>Jae-ha’s brow twitched in irritation.</p>
<p>“My, aren’t we hostile? Come now, we mean no-”</p>
<p>Shin-ah suddenly stepped around Jae-ha, taking a few steps towards the man who hurried to take just as many back. “Why are you following us?” Shin-ah asked in a calm, clear voice.</p>
<p>The man laughed darkly, shaking and terrified, but still glaring hard enough to let them both know how thoroughly he despised Shin-ah. “I needed to know,” he started. His voice was as shaky as his legs. “I saw you and I needed to know if you were him - it. If you were the monster that killed my father. And you are.”</p>
<p>Jae-ha stepped back up to Shin-ah’s side. This was quite the accusation the man was throwing their way, and while Jae-ha knew Shin-ah wouldn’t harm someone for no reason, it wasn’t impossible that the accused killing had taken place. They did kill quite a few people.</p>
<p>“Sixteen years ago, some idiot bandit came into my village, raving about a monster that killed his friends. Got loud enough that the damned mayor heard about it, and he got it in his head that it was the Blue Dragon. Figured he’d get some reward if he found a Dragon. So he grabbed up all the able bodied men in the village, armed them, and sent them off after <em>you</em>.”</p>
<p>Jae-ha glanced over at Shin-ah. He could tell by his demeanor that what the man was saying could hold truth to it. When he’d walked up to the man, he was confident. Now, Jae-ha could tell the fight was leaving Shin-ah’s body.</p>
<p><br/>“When they never came back, we knew. That monster killed them. You did. My father was with them and he’s dead. Admit it! It was you, wasn’t it!”</p>
<p>It was. Jae-ha knew it, and he wasn’t even involved. Shin-ah had said precious little about the major events that shaped his life, but this very situation was one. So that was it - the man had followed them for closure, or revenge, or whatever. It must have been an impulsive decision, having seen them in town and deciding it was now or never. The man was screaming ‘Admit it!’ and “WASN’T IT?!” over and over. There was nothing else to be gained here. In one swift movement, Jae-ha pulled Shin-ah onto his back - who gave little to no resistance - and leapt up into the air once more.</p>
<p>“WE SAW THEIR BODIES!” the man screamed from down below. Shin-ah held on tight to Jae-ha, burying his head into Jae-ha’s long green hair, as if he was trying to hide from the onslaught of the man’s words. The air was thick and humid while he soared through, as the typhoon threatened to unleash its wrath upon them.</p>
<p>After their delay, they most certainly did not find shelter before the storm came. Once the man below was nothing but an awful memory, Jae-ha brought them back down to the earth. It was only moments after landing that the sky crashed above them, and rain poured down and soaked them to their bones. Despite the warm air, the rain was freezing as it battered against their skin. Thankfully, Shin-ah spotted a cave not far off. Still, by the time they reached shelter, both men were shivering.</p>
<p>Neither of them spoke much as they set up camp, and while that wasn’t necessarily odd for Shin-ah, it certainly was for Jae-ha. The man’s words bothered Jae-ha - mostly because he knew they bothered Shin-ah. And because he knew Shin-ah agreed with them.</p>
<p>Most of their outer clothes were hanging by the fire in an attempt to dry them despite the humidity. Down to their pants and underclothes, they both huddled around the fire as well in an attempt to dry themselves too. The silence continued on, growing thicker and more draining, even as Shin-ah refused to eat their rations for the evening.</p>
<p>Enough.</p>
<p>“How long are you going to punish yourself?” Jae-ha asked suddenly. The silence shattered around them as Shin-ah finally looked up. It was the most alive he’d looked since they found the cave.</p>
<p>“…What?”</p>
<p>“You were punished for your whole life,” Jae-ha explained gently, reaching out to place a warm hand on Shin-ah’s knee. “How much longer do you need to repent?”</p>
<p>“…I don’t-“ But Shin-ah cut himself off abruptly, turning his eyes towards the fire. He sighed. “... I don’t know…”</p>
<p><br/>More silence. Sometimes it was exhausting to force words out of Shin-ah, like pulling on the tiniest thread, wrapped around some massive boulder. But it was worth it; it would always be worth it. Jae-ha just needed to be patient and get Shin-ah talking.</p>
<p>“You never did tell me about it,” he tried instead once it was clear Shin-ah didn’t intend to speak further. And that was sort of half true. Shin-ah had mentioned that he’d used his power once as a child and laid waste to what he thought was an army. Now of course they knew they were more likely farmers and merchants dressed up as such, but it didn’t much matter. Either way, beyond mentioning the event had happened, Shin-ah said little else.</p>
<p>“…You never asked,” came Shin-ah’s reasoning.</p>
<p>“Well, now I am.”</p>
<p>At first, Jae-ha didn’t think Shin-ah would respond as the silence once again stretched on. While he was trying to think of another topic to try and lead him to talking about the incident, Shin-ah was apparently working up his own resolve. Before another topic could be found, Shin-ah spoke on his own with a sigh that sounded a bit like defeat. Or resignation.</p>
<p>“… What do you want to know?”</p>
<p>Jae-ha moved a little closer to Shin-ah, either as comfort or warmth. Whichever the boy needed. “What do you want to tell me?”</p>
<p>Sometimes if he wasn’t specific enough, Shin-ah had a hard time finding a response, and it was possible this was that case. But Jae-ha didn’t want Shin-ah to tell him things because he’d asked directly. In this instance, he wanted Shin-ah to talk to him about what he needed to talk about. Whatever it was he needed to say, whatever it was he needed to let out. But, for someone who was still learning how to do that even without being emotionally distressed, Jae-ha understood that this may be too much too quickly.</p>
<p>“If you don’t want to tell me anything, you don’t have to, Shin-ah,” he offered. “But I would like to listen if you do.”</p>
<p><br/>“It’s not that I don’t want to… I just don’t know… how.” Which was exactly what Jae-ha had been expecting. So yes, this was too much. But knowing the issue was not a matter of want felt like a compromise, enough for Jae-ha to decide it was alright to lead Shin-ah into talking.</p>
<p>He brushed a stray hair away from Shin-ah’s face, letting the tips of his fingers trail and linger against the boy’s cheek.</p>
<p>“Were you alone?”</p>
<p>Shin-ah nodded gently as he leaned into Jae-ha’s touch. It was a good sign that he was seeking comfort, Jae-ha thought. It meant he was receptive. “After Ao died, always.”</p>
<p>“She’s not dead, though?” The little squirrel would have been a help here, however. But alas, she was back with Yona at the castle. A little piece of them to keep her company until they returned. And if their progress so far was any judge, Jae-ha feared it would be quite some time before they were back with her and their family.</p>
<p>“Not her,” Shin-ah corrected, pulling his knees tightly against his chest. “The first Ao. The previous Blue Dragon.”</p>
<p>“Ah.” That made sense. It was odd that he’d named a little squirrel after the man, but Jae-ha could question that later. “And you were young when he passed, weren’t you?”</p>
<p>“Four.”</p>
<p>Jae-ha’s expression darkened as he pictured a tiny Shin-ah left to his own devices, and he tried not to let his mind imagine him through the years still equally as alone. “Four years old... Who would leave a child that young alone like that?” Even if the villagers did truly despise and fear the Dragons, surely someone would have realized a small child needed to be cared for.</p>
<p>“I deserved it.”</p>
<p>It took a lot of control for Jae-ha to not snap at the self-loathing in Shin-ah’s tone. “No, you didn’t,” he insisted, hoping he sounded far calmer than he felt. He didn’t want Shin-ah to think he was angry, even though he was. Not at Shin-ah of course, but at the villagers. Even in his own village, at least someone minded him. Granted he was locked up in a damned tower, and his caretaker littered him with bruises, but he wasn’t alone.</p>
<p>Even if he often wished he had been.</p>
<p>“I did,” Shin-ah continued, the deep sound of his voice sad but resigned. “I’m the reason the village had to hide.”</p>
<p>“Not you, just Dragons in general –“</p>
<p>“No, me.” Shin-ah looked at Jae-ha firmly, finally lifting his eyes from the fire before them. “The village moved into the mountains after I… after I killed…”</p>
<p>“The army?”</p>
<p>“All of them… At four… Only a monster could do that, at least that’s what the Elder said.”</p>
<p>A normal four year old certainly couldn’t have done that, it was true and hard to contest. “Well. We aren’t exactly human.” Even so, Jae-ha found it difficult to blame a toddler.</p>
<p>“He said they would be looking for revenge when their soldiers never returned… They’d come with more.”<br/>It hardly mattered that they knew now there were no other soldiers to send since it had been just a mere village sending the militia out, but back then they certainly had to have seemed like an army. Such big, frightening men with big, sharp weapons. And such a small, scared boy.</p>
<p>“The army they brought could have wiped out the village if you hadn’t,” Jae-ha reasoned, and perhaps they could have. Had the Blue Dragon village been anything like his, then even an untrained militia posed a very ominous threat to them.</p>
<p>“The only reason the army came at all was because a bandit got away the day Ao died. I let them... It was my fault.”</p>
<p>“You were <em>four</em>.” How the hell was a toddler supposed to stop a bandit when his predecessor couldn’t? How could anyone blame a child?</p>
<p>“…Yeah.”</p>
<p>Jae-ha tried to hold back a sigh. Somehow, Shin-ah could blame a toddler. He expected so much of himself, from such an early age. Self-loathing was difficult to unlearn, something Jae-ha knew well. He’d had years to rid himself of as much of it as he could, but Shin-ah had just barely begun to heal.</p>
<p>He wrapped an arm around Shin-ah’s shoulders and pulled him close. One day, Shin-ah would learn to forgive himself… until then, Jae-ha would have to do the forgiving for him. There would be nothing Shin-ah could ever do that Jae-ha would not forgive. That had already been true, but Jae-ha vowed it now. A crack of thunder outside their cave drew him from his thoughts. Standing and taking Shin-ah with him, he walked the boy over to their make-shift bed. Without a word, he settled down. Shin-ah needed no instructions as he laid down next to him and rested his head against Jae-ha’s neck.</p>
<p>He pressed a soft kiss to Shin-ah’s forehead, then quietly spoke his praise to him. “Thank you for telling me,” he said. Shin-ah nuzzled closer in lieu of a response. It would be a long night. Lightning filled the cave with light briefly, and another crack of thunder followed it, and then another flash. The storm was right over them now, wind howling and trees crashing together.</p>
<p>In the morning, they would pack up and continue on. With no more followers, and hopefully lighter feelings, they should be able to cover plenty of ground. There was a long journey ahead of them, and little direction to go on. But it would be worth it, in the end. They would find what they were after, and they would return back to Yona and Hak and Yoon. They would see their brothers again. And they would be free. No more monsters, no more chains, no more eternities. Jae-ha had expected physical battles, but not emotional ones. He glanced down at Shin-ah, now sleeping soundly in his arms. With a smile, he pressed another kiss to Shin-ah’s forehead. With the storm passing by overhead, Jae-ha needed to find sleep as well, for they would both need their rest.</p>
<p>No one in 2,000 years had ever found a way to break the cycle of the dragons, afterall. It would probably involve a lot of walking.</p>
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